Rainy day rant (Jim)

This weekend Mother Nature has chosen to crap on our hearts and send rain all up in our business.  While in the past I would not let this deter me from mountain hiking, in my new 'mild' incarnation I seem to have less interest, especially since I have had such easy access to great hikes the last couple of weeks.  It is all good, because my legs appreciate the day off and now Lindsay has the chance to catch up on her hobby: unnecessarily covering pets with blankets and sleeping on them:

Lindsay catching up on her obsessive pet covering / napping

I have prematurely obliterated my reading list and the only thing I have left is Stephen Hawking's The Grand Design and I am not that desperate yet.  I'm not sure my brain could actually handle him right now.

I cannot handle you right now, sir.

And so I find myself motivated to post my first condescending douchebag blog of the trip.  It is somewhat topical but I have been mentally putting this rant together for a couple years now.  Whose ready to get pissed off???

Here it is.  This will feel good to get off my chest.

FUCK motorcycle culture.  More specifically, fuck Harley Davidson.

Seriously.  Fuck you.

It is Laconia Bike week, and in our brief trip in the rain to run errands today we saw multiple 'hardcore' bikers, wrapped up in rain gear up for a mountain road tour.  I'm sure they are big brave men, from the stereotypical facial hair visible on their too-tough-to-wear-a-helmet faces.  Having lived and worked in Laconia, I had every reason to succumb to the siren call of this macho sub-culture, but fortunately I was able to keep an objective view.

What do I have against Harleys?  Well, first of all they are unnecessarily loud.  Like, ear splittingly loud, and as someone who enjoys running and cycling on roads I do not appreciate having my ears rung by douchebags who think exhaust decibels gives them more testosterone.  And no, it does not make you safer, it just makes you an asshole.  Wear a helmet if you want to be safe, dipshit, or drive a car.

Second, they are only popular because of snob appeal.  Yes, I know, they appeal and market primarily to a blue collar base, but at the end of the day it is a luxury brand peddling a mediocre product but demanding a premium price.  Harley is the Apple of the motorcycle industry.

Third, the brand community they foster.  Me big Harley man.  Me have goatee.  Me smoke and chew.  Me have generic barbed wire and Celtic cross tattoo.  Me woman have tramp stamp and fake tan.  Me have beer belly but its only because I don't care what you think.  Shut up.  You look like a walrus wearing Cat Woman's costume and there is nothing tough or manly about it.

Fourth, the biker community does not even know it is being exploited.  Living in NH, I kind of dig the libertarian vibe and I was almost once such a douchebag that I contemplated getting a Live Free or Die tattoo....in Latin.  Just blew your mind, huh?  I only didn't do it because I didn't fully trust Google Translate.  Liberos vivere, aut mori.  Does it mean "Live Free or Die?"  Or "I have a cat in my pants?"  I don't know, I'm not a linguist.  Anyways.  The point is, biker culture is supposed to be all about being free and don't tread on me and all that bullshit, but really it is about being manipulated into going into debt to drive a big fat motorcycle.  It's not freedom, unless you define freedom as giving massive amounts of money to a corporation whose customers are the shareholder, not the biker.  Harley is not owned by Biker Bob, but a CEO with an eight figure annual compensation just like any other corporation.

I'm HOG CEO Keith Wandell, thanks for your money, you ignorant manipulated fuck!

Fifth, their image is just wrong.  Why is it tough or manly to ride a motorcycle?  The only thing tough about riding a motorcycle is wearing leather in the summer.  If you want to be tough, ride an actual bike and train to ride it 100 miles.   If you had to guess the tougher man between one who drove a Harley on the Kancamagus versus one who cycled it, would that be a hard decision?

Sixth, your engine sounds like it is about to blow up.  What is that, you like it that your engine fires out of time?  All that vibrating, that is good too?  In an engine?  What, you are so proud that you tried to trademark the sound of a shitty fucking engine??  Oh, OK.  There is no talking to this kind of stupid.

Seventh, they have ruined the motorcycle for the rest of us.  As someone who once openly debated getting a small motorcycle for transporation with my Laconia co-workers, I become the object of derision because, I guess, getting a bike with 75 mpg means you are stupid.  Somehow. 

Now, this list is hardly exhaustive and it is mostly in fun.  Many of my friends have Harleys, and I welcome your criticism and blustering 'hey shut ups!'.  I get it, society has emasculated you and this is the most socially acceptable way to express your manliness that you have found.  Well, you just go out for a ride, you big brave boy.  When you come back in, we can talk about other ways to express yourself which you just might find to be more rewarding in the end. 

*sniff*  Mom?  MOM!  He's making fun of bikers!  Mmmp!